Justintimeforfun's Blog

I like to move it move it.

justintimeforfun — Tue, 20 Apr 2010 15:24:32 +0000

I have shifted. Here’s the new hole: justintimeforfun.posterous.com

Her.

justintimeforfun — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:08:30 +0000

Yes, I know.

Its been a while.

Its been because of her.

Its been because I am happy.

The Dog Didn’t Do It.

justintimeforfun — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:58:14 +0000

Harry Potter Spoof

justintimeforfun — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:52:52 +0000

Is it true that you have to wait a half hour after eating to go swimming?

justintimeforfun — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:31:57 +0000

As a child, no time seemed longer than the time spent waiting to jump back in the water after a meal. This half hour in hell is not based on science but rather on the minds of nervous parents. There is absolutely no medical evidence that supports waiting thirty minutes before
getting back in the pool. Digestion begins immediately when you put food in your mouth, but once the food arrives in your stomach it takes about four hours to process there completely.

Food then passes into the small intestine, where it spends another two hours, and then on to the large intestine for another fourteen. These times vary widely depending on what you eat, so don’t set your watch by it.

This doesn’t mean that it is safe to eat twelve hamburgers and then try to swim the English Channel. Use your head and listen to signals from your body. If you feel pain, cramping, or severe fatigue when swimming, get out, and please don’t puke in the pool.

Honeymoon.

justintimeforfun — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 15:30:34 +0000

The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But Julie pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.

“Dear,” asked the somewhat impatient husband. “Aren’t you coming to bed?”

“No,” Julie announced. “My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it.”

Audition nightmares.

justintimeforfun — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 15:59:54 +0000

Is it dangerous to eat another human being?

justintimeforfun — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 15:58:58 +0000

One of Mark Leyner’s favorite recent news stories is that of Armin Meiwes, a German computer technician who was convicted of murdering someone for sexual pleasure and then eating him over the next several months. Mr. Meiwes had advertised on the Internet for “wellbuilt
young men aged eighteen to thirty to slaughter.”

Mr. Meiwes in interviews with court psychiatrists said that his fantasies of cannabilism began as a child from watching horror films. For those film buffs who are looking for a viewing list, these movies all involve cannibalism:Alive; Eating Raoul; The Silence of the Lambs;
Hannibal; The Cook, the Thief, His Wife, and Her Lover; andNight of the Living Dead . So, is it dangerous to eat another human being? I am sad to report that it really isn’t that dangerous. Human flesh holds much nutritional value and will keep you alive if your plane goes down and all you have are your fellow, more unfortunate, passengers. Unless you are eating the brain.

A rare disease called Kuru can occur from eating human brains, which killed about 10 percent of the Fore, a New Guinea tribe of cannibals. The Fore would honor their dead by eating them. The brain was reserved for the female relatives and children. Whole villages were wiped out by this rare neurodegenerative disease.

Kuru manifests with muscle weakness and trouble walking. The Fore would then have trouble talking and could no longer stand, sit, or even hold their heads up. Death ultimately resulted from starvation or an infection that developed when they became so sick. Researchers were very interested in this disease because it is very similar to mad cow disease.

She likes her kitties.

justintimeforfun — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 15:50:40 +0000

Who’s boss

justintimeforfun — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 15:48:22 +0000

When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the boss.

The brain said, “since I control everything and do all the thinking, I should be the boss.”

The feet said, “since I carry man where he wants to go and get him in position to do what the brain wants, then I should be the boss.”

The hands said, “since I must do all the work and earn all the money to keep the rest of you going, I should be the boss.”

And so it went with the eyes, the heart, the lungs, and all the other parts of the body, each giving the reason why they should be the boss.

Finally, the asshole spoke up and said it was going to be the boss.

All the other parts laughed and laughed at the idea of the asshole being the boss. The asshole got so angry that he blocked himself off and refused to function.

Soon the brain was feverish and could barely think, the feet felt like lead weights and was almost too weak to drag the body anywhere, the eyes grew bleary, and the hands hung useless at the sides. All pleaded with the brain to let the asshole be declared the boss.

And so it happened; all the other parts did all the work and the asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of crap.

THE MORAL: You don’t have to be a brain to be a boss, just an old asshole.

Alternate moral: No matter how well things are going, it can all be shut down by a single asshole.